Graffiti on the Walls of Valhalla

Law & Order

I'm a huge fan of Law & Order and its spinoff Law & Order: SVU. Yeah, they're cheesy, yeah, they rely on some pretty unsettling violations of citizens' rights, yeah, you're deluding yourself if you think that watching these shows gives you a firm basis in law, but still, they're entertaining.

Law & Order: Criminal Intent just raises my blood pressure.

For one thing, they've done away with a narrative tool that made the other two shows so much fun to watch. In L&O and L&O:SVU, the story is told exclusively from the perspectives of the detectives and prosecutors (with the occasional exception of the opening sequence, wherein the body is usually discovered); this simple expedient creates an artificial sense of solidarity with the main characters and allows the episode to unfold as a mystery. See, I like a good mystery. I like discovering things a little bit at a time (in the context of a drama, mind you, not in real life). L&O:CI ruins that. The show often cuts from the heroes to the villains (or at least the suspects), and while these cuts don't always give away the entire mystery, they show you enough that the real story is guessable. (Similar accusations could just as easily be leveled at the most recent Harry Potter movie, but I'll save that for another post.)

For another thing, L&O:CI revolves around the conceit that villains are arrogant and psychologically fragile enough that, given enough badgering, they'll crack and confess. Actually, that part's fine; what's not fine is the underlying lynchpin premise of the show, which is that Joe Suspect will stick around and listen to the badgering and ego-bashing that the police inflict in order to wrangle a confession. In three separate episodes, I've watched Vincent D'Onofrio needle and badger his suspects until they finally cracked, in a fit of pique, and confessed their crimes. Not once has the suspect called a lawyer, left the scene of the badgering, or simply told the officer to buzz off.

Like I said, I'm willing to suspend my disbelief regarding the tactics the police can get away with, as long as it results in a good story. What I can't abide is the sort of illogical character twisting required to make the villains in L&O:CI give up the goods. Either make the confession work within the internal logic of the character, or just let the perp get away with it.