And Then It Clicked

So I'm sitting there watching The Next Iron Chef (TNIC), and it suddenly occurs to me why I dislike this format.

Let's back up. The original Iron Chef (OIC) program, in Japan, certainly had its own roster replacements, which is how Iron Chef America's (ICA) Masaharu Morimoto got his start on the show. When OIC needed new Iron Chefs, however, they went about it through the Old Boy network: the producers either asked chefs they knew (this is how Sakai became IC French) or they asked the retiring chefs to make recommendations (this is how Koumei Nakamura became IC Japan). There was no competition for the role, and if there had been, it wouldn't have been show on TV. This was strictly professionals at work; even getting invited as a Challenger meant that you'd already been vetted by the profession at large.

Of course, we Americans loathe the OB network (unless we went to Harvard, and then we don't understand why everyone distrusts the Skull & Bones Society or the Bohemian Grove), and we love competitions. Even if we find Survivor and American Idol distasteful on an aesthetic, moral, and ethical level, hey, we still understand the drive to crown winners. And so, at its root, we dig competitive shows in fields we like, like food.

At the bottom of the food chain we have Fox's Hell's Kitchen, where the crass and talentless battle for the grudging respect of abusive father-figure Gordon Ramsay. A huge step of dignity above that we have Food Network's Next Food Network Star, where people who actually know how to cook get to compete for a spot in Prime Time (while wondering how the hell plastic Stepford Wives like Sandra Lee and Ingrid Hoffman somehow managed to avoid any screening process whatsoever). A giant leap of talent above that we find Bravo's Top Chef, where some really talented people (who seem to have somehow weaseled enough time off from their top jobs to jet off to wherever the show is being filmed for, what, six weeks?) compete for prestige and money. And then supposedly at around the same level (though theoretically a touch higher), we have The Next Iron Chef, where (again, in theory) America's top chefs compete to show that they have what it takes to be the next Iron Chef America.

And here's the thing: they're all graded the same. In each show, there's usually some sort of challenge, some kind of prize (or immunity from elimination), and then another challenge, following which a panel of judges (or Ramsay, in the first show) lauds some of the competitors and lambastes the others. And inevitably, during the dress-down, somebody says, "We think we could be seeing more out of you."

Are you kidding me? Are you freaking kidding me? In Hell's Kitchen, this makes sense but if you, the producers, have already gathered a crack team of professionals to compete with each other for the creme de la creme spot, why the hell are your judges criticizing them like they're teenagers on pep squad? If I were a chef on such a show (and I know that I am not), I'd be tempted to tell them to shove my potential where the sun don't shine.

You know whom the judges on TNIC could take a page from? The actual judges on ICA. I don't always agree with them, but at least their comments are (usually) on target for the show: the flavor didn't come out, this didn't work, it was too salty, or my god, what made you think this would work as ice cream?

And this, I understand, is why I am not the target demographic.