Depths of Silliness

Whilst on a trip to New Orleans this past weekend for my good friend Jim's bachelor party, I got to savor a beautiful pre-Castro Cuban tobacco Corona cigar. (Mind you, a quick Google search for "pre-embargo cuban tobacco" will lead you to an article on smokemag.com refuting the existence of such things, but then, bachelor parties in New Orleans are their very own blend of the impossible, so take it as you like.) It was a lovely thing, and it put me in mind of the lengths to which the US is willing to bend over backwards to appear solid on the shakiest of grounds.

You see, a lot of countries in the world do not have embargoes on Cuban products. In Jamaica, or Australia, or Japan, or Mexico, Cuban cigars are not illegal (although the actual Cuban content of any "Cuban" cigar advertised in Tijuana or elsewhere in Baja probably matches the Cuban content of the seller: nada), and you can generally purchase an authentic Romeo y Julieta at just about any reputable tobacconist. Well, you could, if you're not an American. The US Treasury Department has this to say about Cuban cigars:

• Transactions Involving Cuban-Origin Goods in Third Countries (PDF)
  The question is often asked whether United States citizens
  or permanent resident aliens of the United States may
  legally purchase Cuban origin goods, including tobacco and
  alcohol products, in a third country for personal use
  outside the United States. The answer is no. The
  Regulations prohibit persons subject to the jurisdiction of
  the United States from purchasing, transporting, importing,
  or otherwise dealing in or engaging in any transactions
  with respect to any merchandise outside the United States
  if such merchandise (1) is of Cuban origin; or (2) is or
  has been located in or transported from or through Cuba; or
  (3) is made or derived in whole or in part of any article
  which is the growth, produce or manufacture of Cuba. Thus,
  in the case of cigars, the prohibition extends to cigars
  manufactured in Cuba and sold in a third country and to
  cigars manufactured in a third country from tobacco grown
  in Cuba.

So, sorry, Yanqui: no cigar.

Or rather, no buying a cigar. No "purchasing, transporting, importing, or otherwise dealing in or engaging in any transactions" with Cuban or Cuban-derived products. However, if someone in a third country buys such a cigar and gives it to you, gratis, well, now! You're free and clear to smoke that sweet, sweet cigar.

Now, if you happen to be out in the backwoods of, say, Canada, and you happen to buy a Cuban cigar, you could face up to $250,000 in fines and up to 10 years in prison... that is, if someone were to report you "telephonically to OFAC's Enforcement Division at (202)622-2430 or via facsimile at 202 622-1657." Sorry, no e-mail address yet, but hey, think of the warm fuzzies you'll get by helping to enforce sanctions on a country that's having no real problem selling its goods abroad.