Wrong Number

The phone call comes at 6 p.m. I answer it with my standard "Good evening." Gentleman with a South Asian accent tells me he's calling from Microsoft, and apparently my computer has alerted them that I have a virus.

Let's back up.

Part of my job involves taking phone calls from the the public and helping them through the process of using their computers to use our system to accomplish various and sundry goals. I'm being vague on purpose, but let's just say I do, on occasion, spend huge chunks of time walking very computer-phobic people through the use of their computers. I like to think of it as my penance for being a smart-arse, although I think you're supposed to do penance after the crime/sin, and I'm definitely using this as an excuse to sin more in this regard.

So, a Microsoft tech has called to tell me that my computer has a virus. Uh, huh. Yeah. Pull the other one, 's got bells on it. Sadly for this guy, I've gotten this call once before, and I know that asking for info is just going to get me hung up on. So I put on The Act.

Omigod! I gush. I knew it! I keep seeing these messages popping up. What do I do?

Man is smooth. He tells me he can help. Am I in front of my computer? Sure I am. I'm sitting at my Mac. That's a computer, right? Well, no need to tell him that, though. "Yes, I'm running WIndows XP!" (The only PC in our house currently runs Windows 7.)

"Okay, sir, can you see your icons?"
"My icons, um.... Yeah, I, uh...." (This? This is from a real conversation I had with a really overpaid professional once. Really.)
"Can you see your desktop, sir?"
"My desktop! Oh, yeah, my desktop, hang on." Put phone down. Type loudly on keyboard. Pick up phone. Drop phone. Pick up phone. "Oh, okay, here it is!"
"Okay, please click on the Start button."
"Wait, wait, hold on, hey, what's your number so I can call you back if I lose you? This phone is always crapping out."
Pause. Consultation with someone. "Okay, sir, my phone number is 203-051-4529. My name is Ralph." Sure, Ralph, calling me from a non-US number, why not.*
"Ralph? Huh? Can you spell that?"
"R-A-L-... P-H."
"Okay, Ralph, what do I do now?"
"Click on Start."
"Okay, um, okay, I clicked on Start. Now what?"
"Okay, sir, you should see a list of programs...." Oh, no, Ralph! Classic rookie mistake! You don't always see the programs; sometimes you see a whole mess of settings and short cuts. Ask them what they see, don't tell them.
"I don't-- I don't see, wait, I see my solitaire program."
"Sir, look for the Run button. Do you see the Run button?"
"Oh, um, er, hang on, oh! Yeah, I see it! Now what, Ralph?"
"Click on the Run button."
"Okay, hang on." Put down phone. Type randomly. Pull up YouTube in Safari, just 'cos. Pick up phone. "Okay."
"You should see a white box."
"Um, okay, um."
"Is there anything in it?" Seriously, Ralph? Like someone like this has ever used the Run box?
"Um, no, it's blank."
"All right, sir, I want you to type this into the box."
"Um, sure, let me get my pen and paper."
"No! You don't have to--" Put down phone. Wait. Pick up phone.
"Okay, what do you want me to write down?"
Pause. "Here. E like Edward. V like Victor. E like Edward. N like Nancy. T like Thomas. V like Victor. W like William. R like Robert."
Repeat each letter under breath. "Okay, now, you want me to type that in?"
"Yes, please."
"Okay. E-V-E-N-T-V-W-R."
"Now, sir, do you see the Run, Browse--"
"Okay, click Browse?"
"No! Don't--!"
"Oh! What's it doing? I see a window!"
"You--"
"What do I do now, Ralph?'
"Go back!"
"Back? How?"
"Hit cancel!"
"Um."
"Can you see the Start button?
"Oh, sure!"
"Click on it. Again."
"Okay, okay."
"Click on Run."
"Oh, like before? I gotcha. Okay, the box is blank."
"Type in the box."
"What you gave me before? Okay, hang on." By this point, I'm starting to get bored. Fortunately, I already have YouTube open. And... ah, the perfect song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAV0XrbEwNc (Language warning.)
"Sir?"
"I'm here, Ralph. Now what."
"Now hit the enter key."
"Okay."
"Now, sir, what do you see?"
Place earphone over telephone mouthpiece and hit play. "I see... I see... I see Cee Lo Green! He's on my screen!"
Pause. "Sir, what's that?"
"Ralph, it's the singer, Cee Lo Green, and he has a message for you!" Cue Cee Lo and his message.

To his credit, it sounded like "Ralph" actually laughed at that point. "Have a good night, Ralph," I said, and I hung up.


* Turns out, this is an actual phone number from their website!

http://www.advancepccare.com/index.php

Oh, look, they have a testimonial!

“It has survived not only five centuries, but also the leap into etypesettingremainingessentially”

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